Meanwhile, back at the parsonage

Maybe it’s the high summer temperatures or GA backlash, but the UU blogworld seems awfully negative about our religious association these days! From compassion-fatigue to accusations of UU communities being about “I” not “us”, people seem in a mood to be disgusted about their local congregation/minister/the UUA/the lack of _______ (fill in the blank) in their church — pick one.

As a 20 year veteran clergy spouse, I’ve seen a lot of congregations — the good, the bad and the ugly. And there are certainly times when I am amazed at people’s need to savage each other in service to their own demons. But more than anything else, I have been touched and inspired by the love, compassion and selfless giving of themselves to the greater good that I have witnessed time and again in the 8 congregations my husband has served in one capacity or another.

My experience of UU congregations he has served, and that I have known as a lifelong UU, is that they are filled with an amazing array of sincere, thoughtful, engaged folks who believe in a “works” theology. You are called to live your principles every day as the Spirit moves within you. If your life is about promoting justice, you can’t sit by and watch unjust laws be passed. If your life is about succoring the needy, you must dedicate your hands and money to the service of the poor and excluded.

This calling often brings UUs into the political arena, where some people mistake their engagement and passion for politicizing and left-wing control issues. But simple power-hunger would never bring these courageous souls to put their bodies and resources on the line in the struggle to bring about a finer world. They are on fire with a religious and spiritual conflagration that leaves them no choice but to speak out and confront the world.

I hear over and over again how important it is to them that they have a “home” to call their own when they return from their efforts in the service of their ideals. How important it is to know that they see their passion and beliefs reflected in the faces around them, and know that they are honored for their work in the name of progress for all humanity and the world in which we live. How empowered they are by having a community to support them, challenge them and to nurture their spirits. 

I know that my husband is continually blessed to be invited into these people’s lives, to walk with them as they face their personal struggles and public joys. As far as I can tell, there is nothing unique about the human dysfunction, cultural behaviors and internal conflicts occasionally present in UU congregations — I see and hear the same things in all the organizations with which I have been associated. But I also hear a pride in being part of an organized community whose principles and actions celebrate the best things about being human, and which expresses a hope for our future here on Earth in a world of our own making.

Those are wonderful people to be around, and I treasure them and the amazing communities we call Unitarian Universalist congregations.

Every blogger’s favorite game is to view the search terms that bring readers to the site. For me, this is a spiritual exercise — what random search strings will the Google algorithm gods divine as meaning that the seeker and I share a common interest?

Today’s contribution: “preacher kids counseling mean church people”

Hmmmm… What situation do you suppose gave rise to this little gem? Was the congregation offensive to the minister’s offspring, who now need psychological intervention? Or was it the precious progeny who have taken it upon themselves to offer such support to members with personality problems?

Ponder and feel free to speculate.

We’re five weeks away from the ministerial relocation, and the current “parsonage” is looking a little designer-home-ish what with having to keep things spotless for the homebuyer showings. It’s putting a real cramp in my minister’s style, whose brain processes seem to be energized by chaos. The messier his office/side of the bedroom/car, the harder he is working.

 Working to pull together all of the gazillion little details of a move has reminded me just what a pain this is. And how much a little help from your friends can really help! In the case of the minister, the new congregation often has people asking if there is anything they can do to help out during the transition. Herewith, in no particular order, my list of things you might consider asking them to do:

1. Provide an onsite babysitter for a couple of hours when the moving van shows up

2. Get the keys from the landlord and have them at the church

3. Provide some recommendations for grocery stores, doctors, day care centers etc.

4. Be available to meet the moving van if it arrives early

5. Offer to take older kids off your hands and entertain them for a few hours on moving day (Offer to take the kids off your hands and entertain them for a few months…)

6. Bring you dinner on your first day (even pizza would be great, as long as it comes with a gin and tonic)

7. Have someone come by the house to pick up the empty moving boxes and take them back to the moving company or to the recycling station

8. Have someone bring the church keys to the house on the first day (if the minister does not already have them) — access to a phone, computer, internet right away before you are set up might be important

9. Have someone collect all the applications, info etc. for things like getting a library card

10. If someone has the housekey, arrive 24 hours before you do to turn on the air conditioning or heat

People really do love to help out and feel useful, so don’t turn down offers of assistance! Be creative and let them make your life just that little bit easier during this time.

Like most things, this was easier with our son. The culture has not, as yet, made it the norm to dress boys in revealing, provocative clothing. If I could keep the kid clean and reasonably well-matched, I called it a job well done.

My poor daughter has been struggling for the last three years to find cool but modest clothing to wear in the shops, however. She has a natural reticence about showing off her body (this is a good thing in pre-teens), but she enjoys being hip and up to date. (Sheesh, I’m sure showing my age with THAT slang, aren’t I?) As her mother, I have an interest in keeping her dressed (to my mind) appropriately. Which means, not provocatively or suggestively. Just for the record, her father has stayed out of the whole issue as long as she doesn’t look like a street person.

She has now graduated to the Miss and Junior sizes, and hoo-boy! Just TRY finding something in those sizes that doesn’t look like pole-dancing wear! So I have been doing some thinking about how to define what is appropriate for her, and how to teach her good body sense in the face of cultural messages to the contrary. It became clear to me, on reflection, that her standing as the minister’s daughter does factor in here.

As liberal UUs, we don’t have a lot of pressure to impose a modesty code on our young people — although sometimes I wish we did… (Did I say that out loud?) I mean, you aren’t going to see a lot of these at the UU church year-end outing. But there is no doubt in my mind that people will see my daughter’s dress and behavior as a reflection on her father, and I do pay attention to that. I don’t know, maybe I am wrong that people care. But I don’t think so.

For what it is worth, then, here is my working list of “there is no WAY you are going out of the house in that”:

1. Clothing that does not meet in the middle, including when the hands are raised over the head

2. Clothing that does not pass the “bend” test. If I see more than I want to see of your back end or underwear when you bend over, put on a belt or get a different size.

3. Clothing that creates a cleavage on a young teen.

4. Sexy or offensive slogans on any article of clothing.

5. Anything with writing on the posterior (who thought THAT was a good idea?)

6. Anything with visible brand markings (that’s just my refusal to do free marketing)

7. Anything that looks like underwear or pajamas.

8. If Jenna Jameson would wear it, my young teen daughter won’t.

At the moment, my daughter and I are on the same page with this stuff. Wonder how long that will last…

The next big challenge is coming right around the bend of course — dating. There is no question but that my daughter is going to be a major boy magnet (insert sound of mother slapping forehead here). And which boys will she meet the most? You got it. The sons of my husband’s congregants.

We ducked the bullet on this one with our son since there were not a lot of young ladies of the right age in the congregation my husband served at the time, and none that my son was interested in. Whew!

So, just pondering this issue at this point, and frankly hoping that she falls madly in love with the son of the local rabbi…

Who knew? Okay, I am going to do my best not to be snarky about this quote and other material posted on the An Helpmeet For Him blog. I guess there is a constituency for this kind of thinking. But it does give me a good lead-in to this topic! See how neat that was?

The thing about ministers is that they are, in general, people whose whole lives are about being emotionally available. Add to that their standing as public figures, community leaders and generally admirable people, and you can see why other people covet what is yours. If it hasn’t happened yet, it is probably only a question of time — someone will make your minister an offer he or she will be tempted to consider.

Dear friends, talk about this with your minister. Don’t be caught by surprise, and help him or her come up with some kind but clear responses. Don’t stick your head in the sand.

And ask your minister to develop some workable policies in this area. Like, no meetings with potential amorous partners in otherwise empty offices. No one-on-one travel with said individuals (and especially no hotel room sharing!). No physical contact with people who might think it means something different from what it really means. You get the drift.

This stuff can come out of the blue, and the potential damage to the ministry is enormous. Among other things, a rebuffed offer can lead to false accusations of inappropriate behavior on the minister’s part. People do funny things when they are rejected.

So talk about this now. Your partner needs to know that you are aware and supportive on this issue.

The Unitarian Universalist Ministers’ Partners group is a listserv-based organization that periodically converses about issues common to the partners of UU clergy. For more info and to subscribe to the listserv, click here!

Any clergy family handbook that includes that phrase is gonna have me running in the other direction as fast as my little legs can go! For an interesting look at the world according to the Anglicans, check out their Clergy Partner handbook. This handbook also contains the word “stopcock”, on the other hand, so maybe it has some redeeming features…

 For all of you who wonder how things were done at the turn of the 19th (!) century, this little gem is worth perusing. For example, I could probably write a whole dissertation on this paragraph:

“The Christian ideal of life-long marriage can mean that couples will not face the fact that something may be wrong until it is almost too late. The feelings of failure, embarrassment, shame, fear – and many others that may arise when the news leaks out to the parish that all is not well in the Rectory or Vicarage – may mean it is too easy to put off seeking help. When a couple suffer the tragedy of a marriage breakdown, practical help and personal support is needed. The bishops will help all they can and their wives are also ready to be a listening ear whenever that is needed.”

The following questions naturally spring to mind: So all female Bishops are married to women? Does the wife get paid for these counseling services? What if she doesn’t want to fill this role? Or has a troubled marriage herself? And gee, do you suppose there is any baggage associated with that advice? Like the whole Christian marriage ideal thing?

And yet, these are the same assumptions our own liberal clergy labor under, aren’t they? We clergy spouses are under pressure to make sure that everything looks good over at the parsonage, even though people pay lip service to the notion of the human frailty of the minister. A minister who is unable to maintain healthy partner relationships has his or her ability to maintain and model all relationships called into question.

Perhaps our responsibility as clergy partners is to do our best to make sure that we are authentic and honest in our marriages/partnerships, and to deal thoughtfully, fairly and appropriately with our partners in times of controversy. And that means calling in help sooner rather than later, as the Anglicans point out. But an impartial marriage counselor is a better bet!

For those of you who are UU spouses, don’t be afraid to call on the denominational resources. They have funds and resources available for clergy partnership counseling.

Here’s one that really gets up my nose — ministers’ partners who consider themselves half of the ministry team. As in, she runs the church office, or he is head of the social justice council and keeps the building in good repair. Whenever I hear from these partners, there seem to be two main themes that inform their decision-making; “it’s my church too” and “why shouldn’t I help out where I can”.

Because it ain’t and you’re blurring the boundaries. Remembering what this was like from the other side as a member of a congregation, I know how uncomfortable I was discussing things with the minister since his wife was clearly, deeply “in on” everything. And her opinions carried as much weight in decision-making as his did. Huh? She was sort of this “super-member” with a direct line to the minister.  The two of them formed a locus of power within the congregation, instead of his being its spiritual leader and professional clergyperson.

I have seen this time and again, and I really wonder whose purposes are being served. It is not easy to find a role that both meets your needs as a person and yet does not intrude in the sacred relationship between your partner and his or her congregation. But I think it is paramount that we as partners of ministers need to prioritize that relationship and find other ways to meet our needs for community, participation and a social circle. They hired her, not you. I’m just saying.

… have big ears. One of the challenges presented to clergy kids is that all kinds of confidential stuff gets mentioned at home. While my husband never discusses congregants or other confidential matters, our kids were certainly “in the loop” with the whole search process, for example. We find ourselves having to tell them, “Now, don’t repeat that,” or “This is not for public consumption” on a frequent basis.

This puts a huge pressure on the kids, especially since they want and need to have normal, open relationships with their friends in the church. What do they say to an invitation to a party they probably won’t be here for? But they can’t say that? PKs (preacher’s kids) have to grow up early sometimes.

Ministers on the move mean ministers’ families on the move. It’s interesting, this whole issue of “who follows whom” in parsonage life. Guess the kids have to go where they’re told, but how do we as spouses figure out the trajectory of our own lives when we have no idea where we will be in five years (or less…)?

Conversations with other clergy spouses reveal a fair amount of angst around this issue, especially among partners of the newly ordained. Here are some of the solutions I have heard:

1. Forget your own “career” and pick up whatever short-term work is available
2. Stay home with the kids
3. Live in separate places for a longer or shorter time
4. Work online
5. Pick a “transportable” career like nursing or teaching
6. Work for yourself (wait… don’t we all do that?!)

In all these solutions, I think one thing stands out — flexibility. We have to be ready to rethink the whole game plan on a periodic basis. You just never know when the Church Board is going to decide to fire her butt ’cause they don’t like what she did about situation X or Y. Or he has had it with the dysfunction in the congregation and is ready to move NOW. It happens.

Guess I am contemplating all of this because our own move is imminent. What I find interesting is that I have no good answer to the ever-recurring question, “And what will you do in…?” Heck if I know! Okay, not totally true — I have some ideas. But our parsonage life is about following my husband around, and my own life plans fit into that in whatever way I can make them work. Just call me Ms. Adaptable!

The other interesting thing I find happening is that I am slowly but surely ditching a bunch of stuff, including work and other commitments, that could have followed me to our new location, but that I am taking the opportunity to leave behind.

Never underestimate the value of being able to re-invent yourself from time to time!