Here’s one that really gets up my nose — ministers’ partners who consider themselves half of the ministry team. As in, she runs the church office, or he is head of the social justice council and keeps the building in good repair. Whenever I hear from these partners, there seem to be two main themes that inform their decision-making; “it’s my church too” and “why shouldn’t I help out where I can”.
Because it ain’t and you’re blurring the boundaries. Remembering what this was like from the other side as a member of a congregation, I know how uncomfortable I was discussing things with the minister since his wife was clearly, deeply “in on” everything. And her opinions carried as much weight in decision-making as his did. Huh? She was sort of this “super-member” with a direct line to the minister. The two of them formed a locus of power within the congregation, instead of his being its spiritual leader and professional clergyperson.
I have seen this time and again, and I really wonder whose purposes are being served. It is not easy to find a role that both meets your needs as a person and yet does not intrude in the sacred relationship between your partner and his or her congregation. But I think it is paramount that we as partners of ministers need to prioritize that relationship and find other ways to meet our needs for community, participation and a social circle. They hired her, not you. I’m just saying.
June 2, 2007 at 7:51 pm
Just wanted to let you know I really enjoy your blog. The Husband grew up as a PK, but being a PSpouse will be a whole other ball of wax.
I have not been around many UU ministers with families. Do the spouse and kids ever belong to one UU church, while the minister-spouse works at another? (Assuming you live in a town with more than one UU church — a big assumption in some areas.)
June 2, 2007 at 8:03 pm
Thanks for the props!
Attend a different UU church? Yeah, it’s been done. Just remember that WHATEVER he does, it will be done in the harsh light of congregational judgment. So there will be those who wonder why he doesn’t like THEIR church. Or them. Or maybe it’s you he doesn’t like? Or maybe somebody in THEIR church said or did something to piss him off and now they can spend time trying to find out who? And is he (omigod) PLEDGING to that other church?
You see where I am going with this… The Church of the Larger Fellowship is a good alternative for clergy spouses who would like their own church, by the way!
June 2, 2007 at 9:12 pm
Then on the other side of this are the congregations that assume that the spouse WILL be heavily involved. We precandidated at a church where the day after we got home a member of the committee was on the phone to all of Obi’s references asking what they thought MY role would be in their church.
One of the folks they called came out and said, “Well, don’t you dare think you’re getting two for the price of one!!” and then immediately called us to tell us what happened.
It’s a fine balance on both sides.
June 3, 2007 at 12:48 am
Amen, sister! My husband has gotten really good at the “spousal reality check” talk with new congregations.
I think a lot of those expectations come from our predecessors. It’s an awakening (I almost said rude) when I show up…
June 3, 2007 at 10:02 pm
Since Mrs Philocrites was ordained yesterday, I’m now officially a clergy spouse, too! My biggest question right now has to do with how to be involved in my (future, still hypothetical) children’s church involvement. I can imagine volunteering as a Sunday school teacher or other children’s program support role, but would try to avoid policy or decision-making roles.
June 3, 2007 at 10:29 pm
Congratulations to Mrs. Philocrites! And now the fun begins!
You’ll try lots of things when the time comes, of course. But basically, I think every clergy spouse needs to ask him/herself if his or her actions and choices are in the best interests of the minister-congregation relationship.
The hardest thing for a minister is when s/he has to choose between the congregational relationship and the family relationships. So what happens when you decide to teach the Book of Revelations to the 4th graders and some parents become upset about that? Or you speak up at an RE teacher’s meeting in favor of a proposal your wife has presented but the rest of them hate? The waters can be muddy, dear Philocrites!
I have found that my minister spouse is deeply grateful for never being put in the position of having to choose between his church and his wife. Or having to defend or support me to his congregation. Or negotiate between me and the membership.
So I take on limited, specific tasks in which I report to someone other my husband, and for which there is a clear mandate. For example, I might volunteer to update the website or help with the Thanksgiving meal. Or chaperone the YRUU con (but not run it!).
You will find your own way, of course. But my advice, for what it is worth, is to keep firmly in mind that her relationship with the church is her calling outside of her relationship with her family, and the best thing you can do for her is to support her in that calling.
Best of luck to all of you as she enters the search process!