Any clergy family handbook that includes that phrase is gonna have me running in the other direction as fast as my little legs can go! For an interesting look at the world according to the Anglicans, check out their Clergy Partner handbook. This handbook also contains the word “stopcock”, on the other hand, so maybe it has some redeeming features…
For all of you who wonder how things were done at the turn of the 19th (!) century, this little gem is worth perusing. For example, I could probably write a whole dissertation on this paragraph:
“The Christian ideal of life-long marriage can mean that couples will not face the fact that something may be wrong until it is almost too late. The feelings of failure, embarrassment, shame, fear – and many others that may arise when the news leaks out to the parish that all is not well in the Rectory or Vicarage – may mean it is too easy to put off seeking help. When a couple suffer the tragedy of a marriage breakdown, practical help and personal support is needed. The bishops will help all they can and their wives are also ready to be a listening ear whenever that is needed.”
The following questions naturally spring to mind: So all female Bishops are married to women? Does the wife get paid for these counseling services? What if she doesn’t want to fill this role? Or has a troubled marriage herself? And gee, do you suppose there is any baggage associated with that advice? Like the whole Christian marriage ideal thing?
And yet, these are the same assumptions our own liberal clergy labor under, aren’t they? We clergy spouses are under pressure to make sure that everything looks good over at the parsonage, even though people pay lip service to the notion of the human frailty of the minister. A minister who is unable to maintain healthy partner relationships has his or her ability to maintain and model all relationships called into question.
Perhaps our responsibility as clergy partners is to do our best to make sure that we are authentic and honest in our marriages/partnerships, and to deal thoughtfully, fairly and appropriately with our partners in times of controversy. And that means calling in help sooner rather than later, as the Anglicans point out. But an impartial marriage counselor is a better bet!
For those of you who are UU spouses, don’t be afraid to call on the denominational resources. They have funds and resources available for clergy partnership counseling.
